The Castle is a Lonely Hunter

 

 Mystery.

Somewhere near Bolzano lies the castle of the count.

————————————————————–>There are more castles than people now.

In the castle of the count there is no need of money. There is no need to work. Fuck, there’s no need to do much of anything.

The ever-changing castle of Count Duckula inspires searching for more castles.

 

[see also: Quantum Leap]

Notes: Movement of castle = nomad searching for home [but not really interested in a home]

or:

castle looking for girl castle [perfect other, soulmate, someone tolerbale…tolerable.]

Absurdity.

Italy [def:] – Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle racism Castle Castle Castle Castle racism has been campaigning in humanist strongholds and outside train stations, mostly by beating the shit out of black people who can never be italian because of their Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle Castle…

74% of waiters in europe are out-of-work castles.

The castle of Lisboa…

…was ahead of its time when originally constructed [in the year of our lord, 12,356BC]. In built-designs inclu-…

…In built designs included a false gate, una tienda de turismo, and a man playing a flute.

Other defenses:

One way mirror.

Whores

Green Knight

Terry Gilliam

signs with misinformation

signs that don’t read right

dogs

friends of dogs

dogs with signs

signs with dogs and misinformation that doesn’t…don’t read right.

A second line of whores

and a huge fucking gate.

Tragedy.

For Sale – Castle, over-used.

……………………….Count Duckula isn’t on anymore. Dexter’s lab has replaced it.

It’s technically, stylistically, narratively, cryogenically better,” they’re saying.

The history of any castle [except ‘Castle [US TV show]]

Designed, built, attacked, hurt, repaired, hurt again, modified, rebuilt, celebrated, hurt, repaired, hurt, repaired, burnt, rebuilt, flooded, drained, cleaned, dried, attacked, claimed, counter-claimed, disputed, attacked, reclaimed, redecorated, re-celebrated, modified, restored, dressed like a whore and raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped…

The history of the modern castle

…raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped, raped…

The castle lowered itself back down into its box and dreamt of better-…dreamt of other castles.

Decline.

In Brasov: “Dracula’s castle, dude. Damn. Is he here? Where is he? Shit, not even photos or shit, man.”

In Budapest: “Looks just like a fairytale..all the snow and shit. Man. Hey, what time we going out tonight?”

In Ljubljana: “Yeah, I stood on the tower and…y’know, like on top of the castle and shit, and…yeah.”

In Zagreb: “Yeah, like…where’s the castle, dude?”

In Bolzano: “Man, what’s with all these beggars? Fuck off! [Pause] Isn’t there like, supposed to be a castle round here somewhere? [Pause 2] Fuck it, man, let’s get smashed. Let’s get smashed and find some fucking ass…”

In Genoa: “Yeah, this castle’s shit. I mean, it’s tiny, dude. [Pause] Hey, over here…take a pic, man, me and this wall, quick.”

In Barcelona: “Yeah, I can’t even see straight, dude. What was in that shit? [Pause] Fuck, I guess we should, like, y’know, go find a castle or something…”

In Almeria: “Fuck, this castle’s muslim, dude. I didn’t know they could-…didn’t know they knew that shit.”

In Sevilla: “Man, that it?”

In Oporto: “Yeah, like whatever…I could build a castle…if you gave me some marble or…I don’t know, some stone and shit…”

On the train: “Dude, where’s that castle in Indiana Jones?”

Back home [looking at pics]: “Yeah, these castles are fucking tedious, man. They don’t do anything. [Pause] We should’ve chased more ass.”

Attrition.

CASTLE TAKES FOURTEEN HOSTAGE. TWO DEAD, MORE THREATENED

List of castle demands:

Less tourist.

Less working hour.

Peace for mind.

… 

… 

… 

Candide.

More and more castles are reading utopian novels.

Castles don’t quit.

Castles don’t take sides.

Castles don’t kill other castles.

The future of castles:

… 

                  ?

… 

… 

[NOTE: The following sentence was cut due to concerns over believability. The editor involved ultimately decided that, despite the subtitle of the section being ‘Absurdity’, it was just too absurd to have a castle pulling itself out of a box, and subsequently, begging for change. Here is the sentence:

‘The castle pulled itself up out of its box and went begging for change.’

Regards

The Editor.]

List of sources:

Gupter Puncher, all issues.

Rip Torn Weekly.

‘Candide’, Voltaire

‘Not without my castle’, Dir. McG, 2010

Martin Lawrence

Motherfucker Jenkins

‘The unbearable lightness of being’, Milan Kundera

Seinfeld

Dexter’s Lab

Count Duckula

D:REAM

Castle [US TV show]

Castlevania

Old drunk in Cafe Vecchio, La Coruna, 2010

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

The Fearless Vampire Killers

Ernie Hemingway

A history of castles

The bloody history of castles.

The real history of castles.

Castles: A HISTORY

History in general.

Not my castle: A study of castle abandonment and abundantment.

The Princess Bride

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Short people

People Weekly

Weekly Paris

Paris, Texas

Texas Pete.

Pete

Pele.

PAL

Al

A

I’m done.

~ by yearzerowriters on December 22, 2010.

7 Responses to “The Castle is a Lonely Hunter”

  1. Much better than that french king thing. Excellent flow.

    -Marc H.

  2. great piece. Who wrote this??? i don’t see the author’s name anywhere.

  3. Pretty sure it’s Oli. And as always, hilarious. That part with the editor’s note about begging for spare change was fucking genius.

  4. so the ‘castle’ is a ‘writer’ isn’t it? Or is that just me trying to read myself into things, again?

  5. p.s. if i just stated the obvious please forgive me I am suffering from mitigating circumstances

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