Higgs Boson Anthology: Higgs Boson by Lev Parikian

[Copyright & all rights you could possibly conceive of strictly belong to Lev Parikian]

It’s a commonly held misconception that the creation of a Higgs Boson particle is the province only of the professional particle chef. But it’s quite simple to rustle one up at home. Here’s one of my favourite recipes.

Higgs Boson a la CERN (feeds 0)

For this recipe you will need:

Everything You Thought You Knew About Physics

A Window

Most Of Switzerland

A Great Big Bag Of Cash

1 Large Hadron Collider

1 Linear Particle Accelerator

1 Proton Synchrotron Booster

1 Super Proton Synchrotron

1 Super-Duper Synchromesh Tronatron Da-Doo-Ron-Ron Dustbuster

6 Particle Detectors: ATLAS ((A Toroidal LHC ApparatuS), TOTEM (TOTal cross section, Elastic scattering and diffraction dissociation Measurement), ALICE (A Large Ion Collider Experiment), BOB (Big Old Bugger), CAROL (Crap AcROnym Lunacy), TED (TEDious list of stuff)

Some Particles

A Rubber Spatula

A Lot Of Very Clever Men Probably Wearing White Coats

1. Take Everything You Thought You Knew About Physics.

2. Throw it out of the window. Make sure window is open first.

3. Make sure you have your Great Big Bag Of Cash ready.

4. Take Most Of Switzerland. You don’t need to be that careful with it – it stands up to rough treatment, especially if you dip into your Great Big Bag Of Cash.

5. Dig up Most Of Switzerand and build a very big Circle Line.

6. Install your Large Hadron Collider in the Circle Line you have built.

7. Fire that baby up.

8. Oh.

9. Ah.

10. Magnetic quench in your superconducting bending magnets. Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

11. Fire that baby down.

12. Set aside for a year or so to cool.

13. Fire it up again.

14. You need to prepare your particles for injection into the Large Hadron Collider. First pass them through the Linear Particle Accelerator, then through the Proton Synchrotron Booster, then through the Super Proton Synchrotron, and finally through the Super-Duper Synchromesh Tronatron Da-Doo-Ron-Ron Dustbuster.

15. Now the particles are ready for collision. This is the fun bit.

16. Crank ‘em up and smash ‘em together. You are looking for a force of up to 7 TeV.

15. Don’t ask me what TeV means. I thought you were the particle physicist. It’s a lot anyway.

16. At this point there is a danger that the particles may curdle and that the entire known universe will be sucked into a black hole, meaning the end of existence as we know it. There is no need to panic, though. Simply take your spatula and carefully fold the particles back into the collider. Adding another egg yolk may help stabilise it, too.

17. You should now have a Higgs Boson particle. As it will only be in existence for a fraction of a nanosecond, serve immediately.


~ by yearzerowriters on April 22, 2010.

10 Responses to “Higgs Boson Anthology: Higgs Boson by Lev Parikian”

  1. […] Higgs Boson by Lev Parikian […]

  2. Marvellous. And ecxactly something I can imagine the Hairy Bikers doing on a YouTube vid

  3. This sounds delicious. Where can I acquire the ingredients, and a mixing bowl large enough?

  4. Liked the Circle Line analogy.

    The resonant words ‘signal failure’ come to mind.

    marc nash

  5. I loved it. It was exciting and amusing. You seem to know a lot of the technical names. Either that, or you’re good at making them up. 🙂

  6. Sorry, that was me, Anne LG.

  7. […] Higgs Boson by Lev Parikian […]

  8. Right I have the physicists in white coats though they are abit stained cos we stoll them from the chemists, and we have a plan to take over the circle line – we don’t have switzerland but we do have a valley in Gloucestershire?

    Oh and no big bag of cash but I think we could knock something together – here we go!

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