First & Worst – Penny


This is a thing about

This is a thing about all the things

All the things that make her shout

I know exactly what shes about

Thats why I had to kick her out

Hope it hurts

Know it hurts

Glad it hurts

I know how much you’re missing me

It fills me with a twisted glee

Even when you’re opening your mum’s fridge door

You think of me when you see the St.Dalfour

Especially Strawberry rhapsodie de Fruit

It serves you right, you crippled mute

Every girl in the street

Will always make your knees go weak

With longing just for me

The clothes you wear

you can hardly bear

because I bought them for you

It makes me laugh, you stupid moo.

You’ll never get over this

Scarred for life without my kiss

Still grovelling on my filthy floor

Slowly love limps out the door

Slightly mad, a bit of a lad

Trying hard but going bad

You will end up down the drain

Drowning in a sea of pain

But I know how to survive the cold

you will freeze

I’ll cope with ease

I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.

Every time you spend a penny

Every time you play Shove Ha’Penny

Every time you see a penny

Pick it up, you’ll get bad luck

Pennies from heaven

Pennies from hell

You are obsessed by my very smell

Stuff your face in your sniffy pillow

Get used to being a weeping willow

As for me, I miss our sex

But you will always be my X.


This is my room

She covered with hearts

It took her 12 hours

They should have been farts.


Once upon a time

She awoke and felt sick

So she was.

It came out her mouth

So loudly.

She shouted:

‘Help! Help!

Everything is beautiful

Especially what I decide to write.’


My liver is having a liquid lunch

If I didn’t have diarrhoea I’d

have a munch

I know its scary but I’ve

got a hunch

I really do need someone to punch

like you

You’ll do

You stink like poo

I don’t want to love you.


I went to an NA meeting with my friend Sarah’s boyfriend. He is a crack head. I went because he badgered me.

When we were there, I sniggered because everyone was cuddling each other and one of us was Robbie Williams – a pop star of some repute. It was daft and made me mad for a drink. 12 steps? I can’t even walk.

And this was written when I was on yet another doomed home detox:


Pubs in summer look so fine

Think of all that ice cold wine

Pubs in summer look full of cheer

Think of all that ice cold beer.

So I’m standing safe out here

Shedding a Caffe Latte tear.

Pubs in summer look so pretty

Shame they make me feel so shitty

Some can take booze in their stride

But my mouth is open wide

It always gets me deep inside

Once I start I cannot stop

I will drink until I drop

Then I’ll get up and do it again

Not even caring about the pain.

I can’t go to Starbucks

Coz they don’t let you smoke

So I go to the Cafe Allegro

It makes me choke

All those lucky sensible twits

Sipping on their little nips

Eating potatoes in their skins

I’d like to kick their smug cold shins.

Gulping down my cranberry juice

There is no way to call a truce.

Get this killer out of my life

It won’t help if I become your wife

I prefer girls with all those curls

I’m fascinated by their furls

Trouble is they all drink shit loads

Seems to me I’m fucking toads.

My bottoms up, my tits are drooping

Odds on I’ll soon be stooping.

Still using all my force

Unfortunately I’ll lose of course.

I am married to myself

And filing for a quick divorce.

~ by yearzerowriters on March 23, 2010.

8 Responses to “First & Worst – Penny”

  1. Honesty always shines through. Thank you for sharing this gem, Penny.

  2. “I am married to myself

    And filing for a quick divorce.” – that’s brilliant

  3. There’s a lot of rich stuff here. Buried with the hubris of a writer just finding her form and the usual awkward conventions and missteps.

    My drug of choice was never alcohol, but I have known many alcoholics. It is rather hard on you at the advanced stages, I’m glad you managed to master that monster.

  4. very painful, raw, and gritty. You’re an amazing writer, Penny

  5. I’m struck–stung sometimes–by the wit, the humor, that you manage to poke through this.

  6. This is actually a lot of fun, but not in a funny way, really – CityDifferent is right to note the wit and humor of it, it’s almost savage and child-like, a need for revenge, to tell the story however you can. I love this:

    All those lucky sensible twits

    Sipping on their little nips

    Eating potatoes in their skins

    I’d like to kick their smug cold shins.

    That’s brilliant – and you can taste it. It’s worth keeping and savoring for later.

  7. I applaud u 4 sharing this & I hope it was cathartic. As always your word play is outstanding. That said, in the interests of full disclosure I’ll add that I share Bukowski’s disdain for “rhymers” so I’m a bit underwhelmed.Loved the pic.Your humour was shining thru even back then.I’m very glad I happened upon your work & I applaud how far u’ve come since this “First & Worst”.

  8. I love ‘Liquid Lunch.’ Can’t explain why, but it seems to get right to the punch. Thanks for sharing this. It must not have been very easy to do.

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