Secret Santa

The number 5 passes twice, but Jamie never shows.

Fucker, says Dan. Lying fucker.

We start walking back to the bus stop, but then we see a party spilling out of a house.

Let’s see if anyone there will sell us anything, I say.

We nod to the guys at the door and act like we belong there. They nod back.

We walk around the house. It’s all crusted over with pizza boxes and empty cans. There’s a DJ down in the basement. Dan picks up two plastic cups off the ground and hands one to me and we stand there like we’re supposed to be there.

This kid is talking to the DJ.

He says, I’m not really a republican. I just like to go to the meetings. I like to beat up dirty hippies.

Tree-fucking fuckers, says the DJ.

Dan looks at me.

This is lame. Want to get the fuck out of here?

Before I can answer, a jock strap runs down the stairs, shouting.

The guys from Delta Gamma are out front. They think they’re coming in here. I’m going to beat the shit out of them. Who will join me?

Before it is even mildly appropriate, the fake republican rips his shirt off and runs up the stairs with the jock strap. Dan and I follow, hoping there will be a fight to entertain us, but when we get up there, the guys from Delta Gamma are already getting into their car.

Someone looks at the republican.

Dude. Why do you have your shirt off?

I thought there were some hippies to fight.

Yeah. OK. Asshole.

What? I like to beat up hippies. It’s fun.

I like to fight the Delta Gamma guys, says the jock strap.

A girl says to me, do you like go to college here?

No, I say. I don’t go to college anywhere.

She’s a bit fat and tired-looking.

Dan goes off in search of drugs. When he can’t find any, he wants to go.

I’ll catch up with you later, I say.

Don’t be a loser. That girl is a dog. Woof, he says.

But I stay anyway. Later the girl and I go up to an empty room and smoke meth from a light bulb. Dan doesn’t understand why I like ugly chicks, but the girl does. After we smoke the meth and steal some beer from the house, she lets me piss on her.

She passes out. I leave her wrapped up in yellow-stained sheets. I hope the bed belongs to the fake republican.

~ by yearzerowriters on December 20, 2009.

19 Responses to “Secret Santa”

  1. I’ll be first in with analysis. The American setting may be a red herring. Likewise the bus is either a red herring or an attempt to sound like Daisy. Then again buses are an Oli-ism. It seems too obvious to say it’s Oli writing Daisy.

    “Before it is even mildly appropriate,” bothers me because I don’t think either of them would use the uncontracted “it is”. Maybe another red herring.

    “doesn’t understand why I like ugly chicks” I think I’ve actually red that entire phrase in one of Oli’s stories before so it may well be someone being Oli being Daisy – in whcih case my money would be on Marc.

    The lack of quotation marks is definitely Daisy.

    OK, so life’s too short for triple guessing – I genuinely don’t think Marc would have written that opennig sentence – it’s got a cadence, a tempo that’s almost signature Oli so I’m saying this is Oli being Daisy.


  2. It’s written by somebody English, but not sure who it’s paying homage to. It’s not quite Jennish in style.


  3. Hmm – Marc’s in very quick. He either saw my tweet or he’s throwing a double bluff.

  4. At first I thought it was Dan who wrote this, but this is an American story and it can’t be Dan…

  5. I think it’s Oli being Daisy. Is has Daisy’s punctuation style and subjects (drugs, sex, assholes, public transport) but it has Oli’s sense of humour behind it.

  6. Yeah, I think this is someone being me, and doing a better job of it than I do! Who was it?

  7. This is definitely Daisy, yes, but it’s not Oli. A woman’s written this.

    • ooh, I’m intrigued what makes you say that. For me the first sentence is as “Oli” as you can get. And like I say – that line about liking ugly chicks – I’ve read it before. Quite recently. And I’m sure it’s in Oli’s stuff. Maybe I’ll google it.


      • I think I know who did it, but I don’t want to say just yet. It’s just — it can’t be Oli. No way. Unless it’s Oli doing a really, really, really good job of making himself sound like someone else writing like someone else. Like, Super Secret Santa.

        The language used is too feminine — it’s very body and relationship oriented, you know? (Like how men use N-S-E-W for directions and we use L-R, which is in relation to our body instead of, say, the cosmos) And the fact that clothes and appearances are mentioned prominently in something so minimalistic. And there’s the line of “Dan doesn’t understand why I like ugly chicks, but the girl does.” Hands down it’s feminine writing. I mean, out of all the things you could describe in a scene, this author chooses to pull out a relationship comment — and one about understanding, on top of that!

        I will admit that it does feel American. Which is not a vibe you get here often, so that’s weird.

  8. Penny plays Daisy? Just a thought. A delightful one actually.

  9. Sorry to de-delight you, Heikki – I didn’t write it. That narrows it down for you, though.
    Penny 🙂

  10. Damn. I better not leave in my lotto coupon this week then. Ummm…

  11. Well, I think most people have guessed, so I suppose I might as well admit that I wrote it. And I was trying my best to be Daisy.

  12. Well you had me fooled on who it was – I think the bonus biscuit has to go to Sarah.

    And just a note – the rhythm of that opening sentence is absolutely one of the best things I’ve read in a long long time.

  13. great job!!!

    (uch it brings back awful memories of the frat scene and drunken fat girls in college in indiana.)


  14. I was wrong! I knew I would be, though!
    Good job, Marcella!

  15. Marcella — you are a better me than I am!

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