Head
[I was wary of posting this here in case people just shrugged their shoulders and went wtf, so I put it on my blog yesterday. Enough people haven't laughed it out of court that I've put it here. Sorry it's a poem, Oli, but it was screaming to come out of my head]
head
bloodrush. milk. black.
head
diabetic priest. confessional chocolate. cunt cheese.
head
take it. whimper. gimp mask. lips.
head
bang. pottery. stairs. daddy. bang.
head.
choke. throttle. motor.
head
head
head
guitar. meth. monkey-wrench. chord.
head
wet. grey. in. pink. switchblade.
head
thrash thrash thrash thrash
thrash thrash thrash
head
there are these moments when everything is transparent and I’m seeing through me and you to the edge
head
ludicrous random
head
scab. linen. clot.
head
thrash
head
thrash
head
tulips. galileo. toner. glass.
head
glitter. snot. deelyboppers. halo.
head
thigh. neck. eyes. horizon.
head
through me and you to the edge
‘there are these moments when everything is transparent and I’m seeing through me and you to the edge’ – gorgeous pivot.
Pen
Thanks, Pen. It’s about living with intrusive thoughts and compulsions, and the desperation of trying to shake them off to get to the “real you”. The line you mention is one of those moments of reality that are so cruel because they always make you think if only you slapped your head hard enough there IS a normal to get to – so you keep on and on with the rituals even though all you ever get are those glimpses.
Dan
That is so fucking true. It’s those lucid moments that are the worst of all. Sometimes I think if I just lost it completely and had no rstional voice left in me, I wouldn’t be so upset about being insane. I mean, I wouldn’t even know it, would I? But to know it, JESUS. JESUS JESUS JESUS.
It’s what’s always the most frightening thing about Alzheimer’s, that you see it coming.
It gets to the stage sometimes where it makes you twitchy when you’re “well” because you know it won’t last.
Love it and your comment on ‘if you only slapped your head hard enough there is a normal to get to…’
I think most people with any scrap of self awareness will understand that. And what is normal? I always say it is those that conform to an idea of normality that to me are actually the ones who have issues. How can they not see beyond normality? Not sure if that makes sense – it is getting late!
Does indeed. I often think it would be a comforting existence, though, never questioning anything. but other times I think it’s worth it all for those moments.
Dan
I don’t know, Dan. This is the very first thing I’ve read of yours of which I wanna say, ‘I don’t know.’
Let me think about it.
It’s most definitely not for everybody, Anne. I guess it’s the most overtly personal piece I’ve written, and I can very much understand why that would distance some people.
Dan
The synchronicity between you posting this piece and what I’m going through right now is staggering.
Isn’t that always the way these things work
Dan
hence the importance of confessional art.
Beautiful, yet harsh in it’s own way. It’s like somebody used you for a skipper, tossing you low over the water so you would skip of the lake surface in a brilliant series of bellysmackers.
Thanks
It’s pretty much an exact representation of the inside of my head from when I was 7 to some time in my mid 20s
Dan
[...] Dan Holloway – Awake, Head [...]
Live at the Literature Lounge « Year Zero Writers said this on May 2, 2010 at 10:43 am |